What a year…oh my god. Last year I gave up my birthday for my friend “Bill”. A guy I had a crush on, someone I had amazing sex with, whose wife I considered my best friend. She had been there through so many things. She knew me, real me, but even though that was true, I never really felt accepted, or more importantly equal to her. In retrospect, I feel like the dynamic between us was something like she needed me, my less than her income and circumstances, and me thinking that by being near her I elevated my own status. The thing with “Bill”, I still don’t fully understand. Some parts of it have to do with some fucking frat boys from my teen years…some of it has to do with my husband not trusting or allowing me freedom as I saw it or needed it, part of it has to do with me not being confident enough to go after something, mostly because I was fat and didn’t feel sexy. Wow, blah…emotional vomit. So much more of that to write about.

So it’s my birthday! Today is September 7th and tomorrow I will be 44 years old! I’ve been learning about witch spells, bought a bunch of crystals, started delving deeper into the psychonatic side of my life…this is what happened, in a very tiny nutshell. Cray died, I reconnected with Keith, he is now dating Genie and one night, in May, Chris Tanner and Ashley walked into our life. And they brought with them this incredible little molecule called Dimethyltryptamine. I find it hard to explain the things that are happening since we met them, but if the universe were versed in sending little messages to alert you that you are on the right path, and that’s how it communicated to you, we’re being spoken to. I spent the better part of a year manifesting Becky. When we met Brad spent the whole day with his jaw dropped just watching us communicate. I don’t really understand it fully, I feel like we need someone who understands this stuff and can guide us. We are powerful and we have the ability to manifest. I just feel like we need direction, guidance, leadership.

Tomorrow I will perform my first spell. For my birthday! I’m so excited. I have to write three things down that I want to manifest or bring into my life or things of importance. I am writing $10,000. The number Brad and I have been saying and manifesting, and I’m hoping comes from our coaching business and we can help people and help them lose weight and be happy and shed old bullshit ideas and ways of being. I hope that is what brings in the rain of cash. I want it, I like that feeling of abundance, and I know I have a lot to give and help so I feel like it is divinely written. The second paper is the number 125. My ultimate weight goal. I want to be there. I want that to be my new magic number. I know I can do it. The last one I don’t know fully yet. I think it has something to do with developing the friendships that will create real meaning in my life, that will give to me as much as I give to them, that will uplift my husband and my marriage, that my children will benefit from, that we want to be around and be with and we laugh and love with and I want that to grow and be something that I’ve only fantasized about, a real love family, a framily. That right now feels like it includes Keith and Genie and Ashley and Chris and Brad and me and Jarod and Becky. And I feel like those people are powerful mother fuckers and we can put some shit in motion that could really make things happen. I don’t know what, but I know something and I know I’m not the only one who is feeling it. So my third thing is about that. May the universe lead and guide us toward this thing that we all ultimately want, a retreat in an isolated place where we can administer treatments that really change people’s lives. What if it’s that? That seems like an incredible dream. Yes! If that is what it is, lead us there!

I’ve never been happier on any birthday in my whole life. And my first little grand bebe’ is about to be born. Life is really fucking good. C’est si bon!