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On the eve of the birth of my first GrandBebe’
22 years ago, almost to the minute, I drove myself to the hospital to deliver my daughter, Jasmine Dajenai Dorsey. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what this little girl would mean to my life. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and I knew the INSTANT that I saw her that I would do anything that I possibly could to make her life the opposite of what mine had been up to that point. She was an accident. An unwanted accident. The best accident that ever happened to me, followed closely by Katrina, the catalyst that brought us out of that shithole and to the beautiful life we have today.
My doctor gave me an elongated c-section when he took Jasmine out of me. He didn’t ask me first, and I didn’t have an advocate. In fact, we didn’t know her sex because she wouldn’t turn her body toward the camera, no matter how long we waited and coaxed her to do so, and I couldn’t afford a second ultrasound in those days, so I had to wait to find out if she was a girl or a boy. I wanted her to be a girl so bad…and David knew that. So when she was born, the doctor announced she was a girl, and he said “no she’s not…” and tried to fuck with me. That was my advocate. And then he stole my pain pills after my surgery. And my mom and grandmother decided to go out for sandwiches because the doctor said I would be a while before I was in my room. I remember lying in the bed with no one there, crying so hard because they had given me pitocin after my c-section. The up and down one…and my uterus was contracting after just having been sliced open. I screamed for help and the nurse said that they had given me all they could give me for pain. I just laid there, all alone. I remember feeling like I had no one but me and that little girl they were about to bring me and her brother, and FUCK THEM ALL I was going to do better than this no matter what.
So I look at her, about to be the EXACT same age that I was when I gave birth to her. On almost (maybe) the exact same day. I look at the work I did to get to this place, all the unlearning I did, and the relearning how to be a human. She was sent to me to help me heal the wounds my mother inflicted upon me. Such a huge burden for a child, but she was so mature, and I was so willing to do anything it took to be the opposite of her and everything I always needed in a mother, we both healed our wounds together. When I think of the generational curses that this sweet bebe will not have to face…I know what happened to my grandmother, the thing they swept under the rug and no one talked about, the same to my mom and me…and I know it possibly bled onto her too… but this baby, he will be free of those generational curses. He is being born into a family of souls who have bled, who have suffered and been bold and brave in the face of awful things. We have looked our demons in the face and we’ve said “I see you, you are my pain, I want to know what you have to teach me, I want to love you” and in doing so, we have dissolved generations of pain caused by people who didn’t know how or weren’t brave enough to do so.
Oliver has been born into such a world. He will never know that there are “sins” that will make you burn for eternity. He will never go to bed at night being afraid that the rapture will happen and he will be left behind because he had normal human feelings. He will never think of gay people as different than him or that it is wrong to love someone in some way other than what someone else thinks is ok. We can’t save the world, we can’t change stubborn hearts. People will believe what they will. But one by one, we can dissolve the generational curses. We can heal what other people refuse to look at and are scared of. And in doing so, we can bring love and peace, one by one, into this world.
I’m packing my bag right now on my way to the hospital. The doctor is going to induce the baby tonight and he will likely be born tomorrow. This is one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life, my baby having a baby. No more love could be possible anywhere in the universe than what has been created here. My baby is naming her baby after my husband. Everything has come full circle and the promises I made to that little girl when she came out of my body have come to pass. As hard as it was I promised her I would do better for her, and here we are. This is amazing.
My doctor gave me an elongated c-section when he took Jasmine out of me. He didn’t ask me first, and I didn’t have an advocate. In fact, we didn’t know her sex because she wouldn’t turn her body toward the camera, no matter how long we waited and coaxed her to do so, and I couldn’t afford a second ultrasound in those days, so I had to wait to find out if she was a girl or a boy. I wanted her to be a girl so bad…and David knew that. So when she was born, the doctor announced she was a girl, and he said “no she’s not…” and tried to fuck with me. That was my advocate. And then he stole my pain pills after my surgery. And my mom and grandmother decided to go out for sandwiches because the doctor said I would be a while before I was in my room. I remember lying in the bed with no one there, crying so hard because they had given me pitocin after my c-section. The up and down one…and my uterus was contracting after just having been sliced open. I screamed for help and the nurse said that they had given me all they could give me for pain. I just laid there, all alone. I remember feeling like I had no one but me and that little girl they were about to bring me and her brother, and FUCK THEM ALL I was going to do better than this no matter what.
So I look at her, about to be the EXACT same age that I was when I gave birth to her. On almost (maybe) the exact same day. I look at the work I did to get to this place, all the unlearning I did, and the relearning how to be a human. She was sent to me to help me heal the wounds my mother inflicted upon me. Such a huge burden for a child, but she was so mature, and I was so willing to do anything it took to be the opposite of her and everything I always needed in a mother, we both healed our wounds together. When I think of the generational curses that this sweet bebe will not have to face…I know what happened to my grandmother, the thing they swept under the rug and no one talked about, the same to my mom and me…and I know it possibly bled onto her too… but this baby, he will be free of those generational curses. He is being born into a family of souls who have bled, who have suffered and been bold and brave in the face of awful things. We have looked our demons in the face and we’ve said “I see you, you are my pain, I want to know what you have to teach me, I want to love you” and in doing so, we have dissolved generations of pain caused by people who didn’t know how or weren’t brave enough to do so.
Oliver has been born into such a world. He will never know that there are “sins” that will make you burn for eternity. He will never go to bed at night being afraid that the rapture will happen and he will be left behind because he had normal human feelings. He will never think of gay people as different than him or that it is wrong to love someone in some way other than what someone else thinks is ok. We can’t save the world, we can’t change stubborn hearts. People will believe what they will. But one by one, we can dissolve the generational curses. We can heal what other people refuse to look at and are scared of. And in doing so, we can bring love and peace, one by one, into this world.
I’m packing my bag right now on my way to the hospital. The doctor is going to induce the baby tonight and he will likely be born tomorrow. This is one of the most beautiful moments of my entire life, my baby having a baby. No more love could be possible anywhere in the universe than what has been created here. My baby is naming her baby after my husband. Everything has come full circle and the promises I made to that little girl when she came out of my body have come to pass. As hard as it was I promised her I would do better for her, and here we are. This is amazing.